Spring grievances
By Jennifer England, Assistant Campus Life Editor
April 3, 2007 | 1:50 p.m.
Dear Editor,
Now that spring has sprung to life, we, the general intelligent members of the Athens community, have realized that once again the level of manageable annoyances has been exceeded.
Although some of you springtime idiots may not be able to help your foolish and inconsiderate tendencies, we would like to remind you that you are residing in an area dedicated to the higher intelligence; please, accept our invitation to join us. To aid you in your transition from barbarian to civilized human being, we are extending to you the following descriptions of problematic springtime behaviors so that you may learn to change your ways.
If you find yourself falling into one or more of these categories, don’t wait to take action.
Frisbee, football and other fanatics
We are well aware of your cabin fever, and of course there’s no better time to pursue outdoor sports than the spring. The weather’s great and everyone’s moods have risen from their winter slumps. However, no one is in the mood - no matter what season it is - to have a Frisbee chucked at his or her face while walking, jogging or sitting nearby you.
Sidewalks and door entries should not become makeshift goals for you to use; footballs, soccer balls, baseballs and any other round, hard objects should be tossed with care when others are passing through. If you specialize in long distance throws, please find an open field, or at least a less populated area, to play in.
Splish-splash, don’t give us a bath
Excuse me, Mr. NASCAR Driver, did you not notice us walking in our neon rain boots carrying our bright umbrellas? Maybe it was the fact that you were driving 90 mph that caused your eyes to skim right over us. Take a look in your rear-view mirror.
Do you see those mud-soaked people standing in the middle of the sidewalk flipping you off? Hey there. That’s us. Next time you decide to go cruising through the puddles, sending waves of disgusting muck-water over the sidewalk and onto those of us already walking in the elements, think twice. Our room keys can do a lot of potential damage to the shiny red paint on your Formula 1.
All hail the sun goddesses
Yes, oh bathing beauties, we see you slathering on your tanning oil. We see you coyly untie your tops so that those dreaded tan lines don’t grace your bronzing bodies. Yet we also see something else: the way those winter calories haven’t quite completely disappeared. While we’re glad you aren’t sporting the anorexic look this spring, there is no need to wear teeny bikinis either. Although you are probably all very attractive girls, you aren’t helping your cause by sporting bathing suits from Sluts-R-Us. Keep this in the back of your minds: Today the guys may find your bouncy boobs to be quite a turn-on; however, in twenty years when you have to tuck them into the waistband of your sweatpants, they may have a different opinion. Just keep the twins on lock down.
Puppy power
Although your dogs are precious, gentlemen, girls have slowly begun to wise up to your puppy ploy. It seems as though every time an attractive female passes by, little Fido just happens to escape from his leash to chase after her. Despite the fact that many will still stop to pet your pooch, most girls don’t want to deal with your small talk. We’re on to your game, you sly dog. Quit attempting to pick up women using your furry pal. Instead, try to think of some quality lines, practice them in front of your mirror and then grow the balls to talk to us women directly. It’s your dog that’s neutered, not you.
The forgotten inside voice
With the rising temperatures, it’s easy for tempers to rise as well, especially when we’re routinely awakened at night because you can’t comprehend speaking at a decibel level lower than that of a jet at take-off. For we unfortunate folks who don’t have air conditioning, the only way to survive the night is to keep our windows open.
Unfortunately, this too often leads to sleepless weeknights, lying in bed listening to the pathetic, drunken conversations from those people passing by. We’re sorry that Joe left the party with Susie and you think they’re having sex now, but maybe give sober dating a try for once. Also, please refrain from gagging and vomiting directly outside our windows – it’s disturbing in several ways.
We will greatly appreciate your thought and effort being put into correcting these grievances. We wish you no offense and only the best of luck as you leave obnoxiousness behind and embrace the wonders of courtesy and respect.
Sincerely,
The greater Athens community