‘Transformers’: The best commercial you’ll ever see
By Nick Knittel, Contributor
July 14, 2007 | 3:20 p.m.
Michael Bay, the director of “Bad Boys” and “Pearl Harbor,” is not about to let plot line, dialogue or the laws of physics get in his way on what some are calling his best effort yet, “Transformers.”
The self-congratulatory sum of events in “Transformers” comes about halfway through, when a large, geeky kid chases after a crashed robot screaming, “This is easily a hundred times cooler than Armageddon, I swear to God!”
It’s a cute joke, but it may just be true. “Armageddon,” which came out almost 10 years ago, was one of Bay’s first films. Now he’s arrived with the perfect addition to his spastic, explosion-filled résumé: giant robots.
The robots in question come in two flavors: the good (the Autobots, led by Optimus Prime) and the bad (the Decepticons, led by the evil Megatron). Both groups find themselves on Earth searching for the Allspark, a mythical device that has the power to create life, as well as destroy it. As the robots arrive, the audience is led to Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf), an average, unpopular 11th grader yearning for a new car in order to impress his crush, Mikaela (Megan Fox). His parents buy him an old Camaro that the salesman (Bernie Mac) has never seen before, which later reveals itself to be the massive Autobot Bumblebee.
Meanwhile in Qatar, a U.S. Military base is attacked by another Transformer, one of a less friendly origin. The Transformer is searching for information regarding a top-secret military program, one in which Sam’s great-great grandfather took part. The government, represented by the Secretary of Defense (Jon Voigt), freaks out as another attack occurs on Air Force One. This time, the bad guys grab all the data, leading them straight to Sam. The story is bare bones and used solely to lead all the characters to the final showdown. Of course, the audience really isn’t expecting Shakespeare here.
Shia LaBeouf (“Constantine” and the upcoming installment of “Indiana Jones”) makes a great leading man, despite a script that paints him as little more than a hormonal teenager. He’s charismatic, funny and brings the only ounce of emotional weight to the story.
The other humans in “Transformers” are complete vacuums. Megan Fox (“Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen”) is strictly there to look gorgeous, which she does incredibly well, but her ridiculous back-story and complete lack of chemistry with LaBeouf leaves her character cold. Jon Voigt (“National Treasure”) puts on his best confused face and worst southern accent as he mostly stands around asking questions like “What’s going on?” and “Who are you?” Josh Duhamel (TV’s “Las Vegas”) does reasonably well as the quintessentially courageous army captain, the kind that stands around and makes mildly uplifting speeches between lots of yelling and shooting.
It’s possible that better acting was going on somewhere in certain scenes and it was just covered up by the gratuitous product placement. Bay, who still can’t figure out how to keep a camera still, practically makes love to the brand names that adorn the Transformers’ cars, the characters’ cell phones, t-shirt labels and soft drinks -- even the military, which grabs the record for the largest amount of slow-motion beauty shots ever recorded. It’s annoying to watch a four-second scene when three seconds consist of a shiny Nokia label or GMC emblem. When paying $10 to see a movie based on a line of Hasbro toys from the 1980s, it’s clear that the audience only gets what it pays for.
Nevertheless, there is some light at the end of the overly-endorsed tunnel. It’s hard not to get caught up in the adolescent glee that Bay paints, especially in one scene when an Autobot bounds through a city street, leaping and dodging (in slow motion!) dozens of missiles before finally beating the crap out of a Decepticon.
They’re robots and not just regular ole’ robots -- giant battling robots! This is precisely the reason that the film is even remotely worth seeing. The audience can feel the testosterone pouring out of every grain -- the geeky, male joy that comes from shiny cars, masturbation jokes and phrases like “Fourier transforms” (What does that mean, anyway?). If only Bay could get that giant McDonald’s sign out of the way.
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Speakeasy Rating: B-
Running time: 144 minutes
MPAA Rating: PG-13 for intense sequences of sci-fi action violence, brief sexual humor, and language.
Genre: Action/Sci-Fi