The Campus Sports Guy
Sex is like baseball
I'm not buying it
By Corey Ryan, Sports Editor
October 18, 2007 | 12:49 p.m.
So sex is like baseball? That’s the new slogan brought by Ohio University appearing on flyers and on a display on the official campus peaceful protest site at the corner of East Union Street and College Street.
Well I’m sorry, Mom, Dad, Father Petruniak and to all other in-the-dark parents of the involved participants, but I have had sex.
And I’m sorry to my high school teammates from my senior season, all of the families and anyone else who tried to watch me hit a curveball, but I have played baseball.
But most importantly, I’m sorry to those who read this horrible simile featured on the well-intentioned display and flyers, but sex is not like baseball.
Sure the metaphor for sexual advancement and baseball is as American as buying in bulk, impersonating President Bush and driving Ford trucks, but the analogy is ambiguous.
Is getting to first base a simple peck on the lips? Is second base when the nipple makes its appearance or when the tongue comes onto the metaphorical diamond? If third base is oral, then how does the traditional baseball saying “never make the last out at third” factor in? To reach home plate, do you not have to first touch all bases?
This simply does not work.
The first problem is terminology. Rather than first base, locking lips should be considered a single, while whatever second base is a double. If second base is copping a feel, then it can in fact be stolen after a single or a walk, which is when a guy asks a girl “Can I kiss you?”
Here’s a quote from one of my favorite books, Nick Hornby’s High Fidelity: “Attack and defense. Invasion and repulsion. It was as if breasts were little pieces of property that had been unlawfully annexed by the opposite sex. They were rightfully ours and we wanted them back.”
If that cannot be analogized with a pitcher and catcher combating a fast base-runner, then I don’t know what is.
With this revamped terminology, one could work in a while repertoire of dirty words to atone for runs batted in, slugging percentage and hit by pitch. Additional base-runners could be incorporated for multi-run home runs. However, those runners would have to reach base without using a bat in order to avoid the Johnny Drama and Turtle fiasco at Sundance when the two crossed swords.
Wouldn’t the Babe Ruth of sex have to be Ron Jeremy? If Jeremy is the Sultan of Swat, then who is the New York Yankees?
Over-paid, over-hyped and over-dramatic, it would most certainly have to be Paris Hilton. She would be the entire team, at the same time. Think about that night-vision internet video. It would be the Minnesota Vikings’ river boat fiasco combined with “A Night in Paris” on a $195.23 million budget.
Alex Rodriguez is Jenna Jameson and I won’t even touch who Barry Bonds would be in the metaphor.
Is Viagra the steroid for sex? Is lubricant the pine tar equivalent? What does that say about the Boston Red Sox?
The second obvious flaw in the metaphor is the gender bias. Why is the female role always in the field? Hasn’t anyone ever seen A League of Their Own? Dottie Hinson (Geena Davis) could sure handle herself in the batter box.
Would the metaphor completely change for the ladies? Should we move the fence in, use a bigger ball and throw underhand because women haven’t played baseball since the demise of the All-American Girls Professional Baseball League?
I could not even begin to guess what would be second base with a woman at the plate. Nor do I think I should go into the obvious differences in athletic movements between sex and baseball because that comparison does not work. You can’t work the missionary position into baseball, but the Viennese oyster should (side-note: I searched Wikipedia for sexual positions, which is where I found the oyster).
It is probably important to note the motto in the mold of Stop at the Buzz of two year’s ago is meant to promote safe sex without substance abuse, which is a good message. The message is certainly better then the one I got in 13 years of Catholic school education where I was told if I have sex before marriage I will most certainly get a girl pregnant, get a sexually transmitted disease or have my penis chopped off, if not all three.
Contrary to the obscene message I have provided in the proceeding paragraphs, I do agree with the message of safe sex, which is the intent of the slogan with first base through home plate being a particular question one should ask before doing the no-pants dance. I just acknowledge the flaws in the metaphor and the anti-alcohol propaganda.
After all, David Wells did throw a perfect game while being admittedly drunk. If I could only be so good.
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